To my daughter

As I look at you now, you're so pure, so untouched by the world.  No pessimism, negativity, or bias.  You're not damaged goods, jaded by past experience.  You're not racist, crass, or angry.  You can be anyone, anything.  The world will shape you and try to pull you with the majority, which is a terrifying thought.

To combat against all the negatives and toxins that will hit you along the way, I have a plan.

I promise you that I will show you how a man should treat a woman.  I will date your Mother, no matter how long we're together, and I will show you what a true gentleman looks like.  I will open your door, buy you flowers (just because), hold your hand, tell you that I was thinking about you, listen to what you have to say and look you in the eye when you're saying it.  I will respect you and cherish your Love.  When you say "I can't," I will believe in you, and encourage you to try, because you can do anything.  I will dream up a hundred ways to teach you that you are great and deserving of greatness in return.

No settling, no low-class doesn't know how to treat a lady, no "he's way out of my league," no "well he's a nice guy."  I will teach you to expect the best and to love without fear.  I will show you the power of vulnerability and what happens when you act in spite of fear.

You will also learn that there are two paths through life.  Safety or excitement, security or passion.  I will push you towards the road of passion.  Passion will guide you through the maze of life en route to adventure and freedom.  Life can be full of authentic experiences, absent of regret.  Embrace vulnerability and acting because it feels right, for your Mother and I pledge to build an unwavering compass for you, in you.

Most importantly, we will teach you that friends are life's mortar to hold everything together, but family is the foundation on which you were built.  If and when everything comes crashing down, family will always be there.  They are not to be walked on, neglected, or taken for granted.  They are life's most precious relationships to be cherished and nurtured.  Family will be there on the greatest occasions of your life, all of which will be that much sweeter because they'll be shared with people that truly matter.  Embrace this.  Welcome it.

Above all, we will teach you to pursue a life of perpetual learning.  Never settle.  Strive for new knowledge every day.  Stagnation is the enemy of fulfillment and a life full of consistent growth will reap rewards far greater than their sum.

Grow, love, learn, without hesitation and without fear.

Building a crib

You would have thought that my wife's giant belly would make me realize how real things are getting.  Apparently not so.  Putting together a crib was the kick to the chest that made me realize just what was happening to us.  That's when I felt it all...

Pressure.

There are few things in life that force introspection in a man like the impending arrival of one's offspring.  Suddenly you'll find yourself reflecting on your childhood, your parents, your family values, on the values you share with your partner.  Am I mature enough to be a role model?  They're so impressionable.  How do I catapult this person from mediocrity to greatness?  I had such a great start to life.  Will siblings find friendship or rivalry?  Friendship, I pray.

Joy.

A complete stranger once told me that there is nothing in life that adds the kind of depth that a child does.  They create a kind of love that you never knew existed.  I see that in my sister-in-law and niece.  They allow you to see things in a joyful, pure way, if you let them pull you into their world.  The wonder and elation of even the simplest of things is so infectious.  Grass can apparently be funny, as can dog kisses.  You can laugh at them, but better yet, laugh with them, for life can be extraordinary in the most ordinary of situations.

Fear.

Things are also scary.  The internet gives greater access to information than we've ever enjoyed, and it's terrifying.  Pregnancy can seem so fragile at times, but we forget that humans have been doing this for thousands of years in much more precarious positions than middle class America with great health insurance.      

The scariest of all seems to be the inevitability of time and the forfeiture of narcissistic concerns.  Soon this child will be asking for the keys to the car.  I'll hand them over will full, terrifying knowledge of 17 year old behavior.  Will I have the ability to let go and allow him/her to grow, live their life, and learn lessons exactly as I did?  The hard way.  Suddenly my greatest worry in life is walking out the door.  

Love.

Through all of this, I think of what my wife has endured and will go through in child birth.  How she'll depend on me in pain, fear, and self doubt, while completing an athletic event longer and harder than anything I've done.  Suddenly I don't feel like the strong one in the relationship.  For the first time, I see the power behind the title "Mom."  This brings about a deep respect that I'm not sure I can find the words for, other than "I Love you."

So many feelings... all from building a crib.

Waiting for Perfection

Sitting on the outside, looking in, you oftentimes hear people describe their wedding day or the birth of their child as the best day of their life.  It's hard to understand how one day could be that much different than the other.  I recall thinking, "Yeah, I'm sure you had fun, and I'm sure you were happy... let's talk about me now because I have no way to identify with you on this."

After going through my wedding and honeymoon, I'm excited for all the experiences life will bring in the future.  The level of fulfillment, gratitude, love, excitement, and pure boundless fun, that the day actually entailed was hard to anticipate, amazing to experience, and difficult to articulate.  It truly was the best day of my life and it was so much more than I could have ever expected.  Having all the most important people in your life assembled from all the over the world and seeing the woman of your dreams look more beautiful than she ever has, is something that I didn't even know I was dreaming of, until it actually happened.  When I saw her for the first time, I knew that the day would be fulfilling and emotional beyond anything I expected.

After going through that day and sitting on the precipice of a lifetime with my wife (still weird to say out loud), I realize that the depth and complexity of what we're building is just getting started.  Simply stating our vows and going through the awesome, epic party, of our wedding, added something to our relationship.  Everything is the same, yet totally different.  It feels like we were standing on the summit, admiring the view, content with where we were, only to discover that there's a whole new trail ahead with more meaning, growth, and love.

In reflecting on all that I've been blessed with and the fact that I found something real, something that will last a lifetime, weathering the rockiest of times, I recall a time when I was convinced that I was going to be the awesome, single 50 yr. old uncle.  That would be ok, right?  Life could be great, even though I wanted kids and a family.  I could find fulfillment in traveling, being in great shape, owning awesome stuff, and having great friends, right?

Looking back, this was perhaps the darkest time in my dating history.  I was eating tons of pizza and going out three or four times a week because I believed this was how I would meet someone, when in reality I was just getting greasy and fat.  Ironically enough this was about three weeks before I met Anja.

Sometimes I believe in karma-- dating karma, sales karma, etc.  Perhaps you have to put in the "work" to reap the rewards.  For me, the "work" was failed relationships, laughably bad blind dates (one was totally racist), getting hurt, being a jerk, pledging celibacy, going back on that pledge, all the while praying that waiting for perfection wouldn't result in me dying alone and having my future unnamed dog eat my remains.  Thank God that perfection does exist and patience, mixed with a little faith, is the key.

Here's to building an extraordinary life.    

True Love

How do you know you can be with one person for the rest of your life?

I can see 23 year old Chris asking 30 year old, about to be married, Chris this very question.  Twenty-three year old Chris' experiences suggest that you're a whole person looking for someone to complement you; looking for someone that adds more than they subtract- (+) attractive, (-) selfish, (+) similar interests, (-) impatient, etc. etc.  Fortunately for 23 year old Chris, 30 year old Chris has learned that there's an entirely new ballgame out there for those lucky enough to have met their true counterpart.

When thinking about who I've become as a person, I now see that I'm an irreplaceable part of a pair.  When I look at pictures, they're always better with her there.  When I think of outings, they're always better with her enjoyment.  When I think of the future, she's the first thing I see.  No longer am I a single person moving through the world; I'm intertwined with another, I'm connected at the soul with a person that knows me better than anyone else in the world, including my own Mother.  

Having met the person that makes me feel whole, I see that there's much more to this equation than a simple +/- 1 point.  It's a deep, unflappable connection that creates our relationship.  It was never something that had to develop or something that took effort.  From day one I knew that she made me a better person.  No more browning out and dancing on bars for this guy.

I also saw that the sum of us together made me want to try; to forego being mad or winning a fight, to be the first to say "I'm sorry," to give up the selfishness that your early 20's reinforces.  She innately makes me want to try harder, to provide more, to be a better person for her.  Thankfully, being a better person for her isn't solely based on the physical or aesthetic.  Hopefully I'll never again have to wear a turtleneck sweater on a date... yeah that happened.

Being a better person for her is being happy, being compassionate, being a willing and supportive husband, friend, and someday father.  It's viewing decisions through her eyes and making her feel heard and respected in conversations.

Most importantly, she makes all this feel natural, when it couldn't be further from the nature of a 20 year old guy.  The fact that I feel funny, challenged, supported, loved, lusted, and understood while around her, is purely icing on the cake and makes life feel more promising than it ever has.

Again, none of this was a simple addition problem.  It just seemed to happen and I can't imagine willfully undoing it all.  So, to 23 year old Chris, yes I'm sure.  I know it'll take work, but I hold confidence in the idea that I met a partner that makes me want to work harder in all I do, especially "us."  That's a stability that is so foreign to you at the moment, that it's going to hit you like a ton of bricks when it finally shows up.  Don't ever look back and don't ever question what you've built with her because she's the Love of your life.  

Related Posts:
Love Languages

The Best Advice I Ever Received

What's the best advice you ever received?  For me this question required a lot of reflection because the sagest of all directives have been internalized as a part of my character, with the original conversation long since forgotten.  After some thought, it became apparent that one thing doesn't stand out, rather a handful create a list that is characteristic of the person I strive to become.

•  Don't react to things emotionally. In the context of today's digital world, let your first reaction sit for an hour, then re-read, edit, press send. -Dad
• If you lose someone, memorialize them by keeping your favorite traits alive. -Dad
• For me, this is complimenting people and jumping into things with 100% enthusiasm. 
• Actions speak louder than words. -Dad
• Especially when digging oneself out of a hole.  
• In life and in business, don't ever sell someone something.  Frame the conversation in such a way that they logically arrive at a conclusion that supports your ambitions. -1st Boss  
• People love being called by their name. -Uncle 
• It's so simple, but rarely acknowledged, and oftentimes seen as corny when exercised.  But why else would people in the service industry wear name tags?  It feels good when someone remembers your name.  

What's the best advice you ever received?  Share below. 

Lessons learned from my dog

A lot of people have written about things you can learn from pets.  If you've ever met my dog Lulu, you know she's got quite the personality and a bit of a checkered past.  As a rescue, she's experienced things I hope I never have to go through, including abandonment, homelessness, and abuse.  Some might call her "street."

The thing that makes her amazing is that everything you'd expect from a dog is there, but she has an underlying complexity that makes her almost human-like in her emotions, schemes, and behaviors.

After spending A LOT of time with her (I work from home).  I've noticed this complexity and intelligence escalate the typical lessons learned from pets-- eat, sleep, have a short memory.

Here's Lulu's version:

Separate the person (dog) from the actions.  Lulu was left on a balcony in Modesto in winter, when her previous owners foreclosed and moved out.  You can tell in many ways that she remembers all this and certain behaviors are linked to us leaving, packing, or wearing shoes.

Her anxiety comes out in different forms-- occasionally its destructive, though most of the time she simply moves items around so that you know she's annoyed.  When her feelings are manifested in destruction, its tough not to be mad, but you know it's not malicious and may not even be about you.

With those around you, these types of encounters could be coming from somewhere much deeper, much more complicated, that you may or may not understand.  Being able to separate the person and their true feelings from something on the surface will help you read people a lot better.  This could be true for any number of things, but will always have a place in relationships.          

Play the long game.  Lulu is remarkably intelligent and seems to understand cause and effect far beyond what I've seen in other dogs.  As an accomplished con artist, she's able to string together action, reaction, getaway, and hideout with fantastic cunning.

A great example of this was when we were dog sitting for a friend.  Lulu wanted the other dog's bone.  She kept creeping closer to snatch it and we kept scolding her to play with her own toys.  She wanted this bone though, and she wanted it bad.  After three unsuccessful attempts to walk up and take the bone (remember, she's kind of a gangster), she started to work out a more complex plan.  You could see the wheels turning.

Next thing you know, Lulu runs to the front door and starts barking maniacally.  The other dog hurries over to provide backup, leaving the bone behind, which marks Lulu's opportunity to pounce.  She runs for the bone, makes her getaway down the hall to the bedroom, and under the bed to the exact center, where we can't touch her-- her safe house.

We were thoroughly impressed.

Practice unconditional love.   You see this one in all dogs.  Coming home to them can be better than coming home to humans.  Their excitement is unmatched and they make you feel like the most important person in the world.  Lulu dances around the living room, grabs toys for you, and is also a cuddler, so even if she's mad at you for leaving or giving her a bath, she simply wants to be close to you.  Every day she shows me the affect that affection can have on others, so I try to make sure that those who are important to me know it.             

Things I learned in sales that totally apply to dating

A sales career requires a person to stay positive while enduring loads of rejection, then be able to nurture a relationship appropriately when you find a "qualified prospect" that could lead to a potential sale, all the while adjusting your messaging and tactics to suit the personality characteristics of the individual decision maker.  Sound familiar?  Yes, sales is pretty much dating, only you get paid after "closing" and it's not shady.

Here are a few things I learned from sales that totally apply to dating:  

Set the follow up appointment.  Interest fades with time, so if you had a great first date, set the second within three days, if possible.  The more time passes, the greater the possibility competing priorities will take precedence.

Appeal to her peers as well.  Does she have a dog?  Do you know some of her friends?  Having the social network on your side will strengthen the deal.  A great move is buying her beloved pet a toy instead of getting her flowers early on in the relationship.  This shows originality and that you're on board with her having a pet.  Because, lets be real-- if it comes down to you or the dog, she's choosing the dog.

Make her miss you.  Don't go too big on texting.  You want the other person to reach out because they want to, not because they feel compelled to politely respond to your many messages.

Understand where she is in the "sales (relationship) cycle."  If she just got out of a relationship, you're probably going to need to keep things slow, unless you're into being the rebound.  Every deal is different, so you can't treat them all the same.  Learn when to push the gas pedal and when to let her do the driving.

After you "close the deal" and you're in a publicly recognized relationship, now is the time to nurture the "account" so you can be sure they renew year after year.  A great way to do this is to learn a bit about your counterpart's love language.  This will allow you to tailor your messaging and actions in a way that speaks to them, bringing about higher quality communication, which some would say is the key to a lasting relationship.

Related Posts:
Love Languages
That guy you "hate" would probably be your BFF in a different circumstance
Life is what you perceive

Sunscreen

The first time I heard this song, I was driving with the windows down in sunny San Diego.  A few of these lines really made me think and I love to come back and listen from time to time, as I hope it reminds me of some truths that are worth keeping in focus.

My favorite:  "Worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum."

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh never-mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you. 

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss. 

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. 
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. 

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. 

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel. 

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. 

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

Lyrics by: Baz Luhrmann

The Young Adult's Top 25 from GS Elevator's "How to be a Man"

For those of you not familiar with GS Elevator, it's some dude that works in the Goldman Sachs building on Wall Street and records ridiculous stuff he hears on the elevator via a Twitter feed.  Recently this guy put together a "guide to being a man" for Business Insider.  There were some real gems in there and these are my top 25 that I think apply outside of just Wall Street:

1. It’s okay to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s.
2. Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row … unless something really good comes up on the third night.
3. Never date an ex of your friend.
4. Always carry cash.  Keep some in your front pocket.
5. If riding the bus doesn't incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
6. When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
7. People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.
8. You probably use your cell phone too often and at the wrong moments.

9. Buy expensive sunglasses.  Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them.
10. Act like you've been there before.  It doesn't matter if it’s in the end zone at the Super Bowl or on a private plane.
11. A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.

12. No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a beautiful woman.
13. There’s always another level. Just be content knowing that you are still better off than most who have ever lived.
14. Ask for a salad instead of fries.

15. Be spontaneous.
16. Measure yourself only against your previous self.
17. Remember, “rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.” 
18. Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party – provided that you don’t initiate conversation with, “So, who are you reading …”
19. Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you.
20. Drink outdoors.
 And during the day.
 And sometimes by yourself.
21. If she expects the person you are 20% of the time, 100% of the time, then she doesn't want you.
22. Avoid that “last” whiskey. You've probably had enough. 

23. Staying angry is a waste of energy.

24. Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size.

25. Stop talking about where you went to college.

The full article:  http://www.businessinsider.com/the-gselevator-guide-to-being-a-man-2013-9

Less talk, more action

I was raised by a man that was continuously telling me that actions speak louder than words.  As with many of the things that he taught me, this didn't sink in until I got outside my happy little bubble and out in the real world.  My college roommate taught me that not everyone is as considerate as my family had been.  My first job taught me that not everyone is as driven and disciplined as rowers tend to be.  The workforce has continued to teach me that there are "talkers" and there are "doers."

Talkers like to sit and throw around all the things that "we should do," but they never put an action plan in place.  Talkers long to be the "big picture guy," but they don't understand the necessary steps involved in achieving that picture.  The danger of being a "talker" is that unless you're spontaneously born into a CEO position with the luxury of delegation, you need to back these things up with a definitive course of action.  If you don't act, your words gradually lose value.  If you don't reinforce the big picture with the actions needed to move down the road, the picture remains a pipe dream.

Doers on the other hand emerge as natural leaders.  These people understand that dreams don't become reality without taking that first step.  Furthermore, they're able to map out what needs to happen after that first step.  Note that this map does not need to be perfect.  It's this need to work everything out before launching a project that paralyzes people in the talking stage.  Take the leap!  Get the ball rolling! Whatever cliche you want to throw out there, just get started and let the pieces start to fall into place.  You'll make mistakes and you'll have to adjust your course, but most importantly, you'll be doing; not talking.  Google and Apple weren't built by figuring everything out beforehand, so no matter how big or small your project, just get started.

Making changes like this can be challenging.  Something that has really helped me focus on action in my personal and professional life is a principal called the "two minute rule." James Clear is the guy that came up with the idea and the gist of it is as follows:

"Most of the tasks that you procrastinate on aren't actually difficult to do -- you have the talent and skills to accomplish them -- you just avoid starting them for one reason or another.  
... If a task takes less than two minutes to complete, then do it right now."

How to Stop Procrastinating by Using the 'Two-Minute Rule'

The two minute rule is meant to help people procrastinate less, but a wonderful side effect is that it starts to turn you into a doer.  You'll start to take pride in getting things done and in being a person of action.  Slowly this starts to become ingrained in your character.  You realize how quickly many of these things can be done and so you'll be the person to pick up that piece of trash, to unload the dishwasher, to take that first step.

Simple things can have dramatic results and I've found that by starting small and focusing on being a person of action, you can become more productive and a more valuable team member than you ever thought possible.  

That guy that you "hate" would probably be your BFF in a different circumstance

Something that took me a long time to understand was that judging people and allowing them to spark a reaction in you is futile.  Not only does it get you no where productive, but in different circumstances, you'd probably actually like the person you've put on your judging platform.

I learned this in college through rowing.  My target was gregarious, loud, confident, but more importantly, holding the winner's cup that I had been expecting to collect all year long.  In short, he was me, but a better version of me.  I "hated" him for it.  A spit on the ground in front of you, western movie kind of disdain that I felt was totally justified.

Fast forward two years.  We're both still rowing, but now we're on the same team.  I bring the same attitude in and I don't talk to him, I don't look at him, I don't laugh at his jokes (even though they're actually quite funny).  Weeks go by and he seems impervious to my coldness, offering up compliments and congratulations on jobs well done, workouts crushed, beers chugged.  Another three months go by and this guy is one of my closest friends.  We carpool together, run errands together, row together... an undeniable bromance.

What did I learn from this?  If you're competing in a sport, working for the same company, in a rival fraternal organization, whatever the context of this arch nemesis, chances are you have a lot more in common than you're willing to acknowledge.

This reality is always hiding in the background, so a more productive focus would be on the task at hand, not your feelings and perceived justification for these feelings.  Not only will you be a more likable person by minimizing the list of folks that you "hate," but your stress levels will be lower, making you a healthier person.  I can go into the science behind that if you want, but let's just cut to the chase; if you "hate" someone and it's for reasons other than true moral deviance or wrongdoing, you're probably carbon copies of each other and its simply the reflection that's making you uncomfortable.

Love Languages

One of the many things I have my fiance to thank for is that she's constantly teaching me new things.  One of the many things she's taught me about myself and about the world is the existence of different love languages.

One night we were watching TV and she asked me to take an online quiz on the topic.  She was insistent and as someone that despises "wasting time online" (not counting Facebook), I was hesitant.  Little did I know, my acquiescence, would have a profound impact on our relationship.

Love languages or relationship languages, for that matter, dictate how people derive meaning and satisfaction in their relationships.  All in all, there are five identified love languages.

1) Words of Affirmation
2) Acts of Service
3) Gift Giving
4) Quality Time
5) Physical Touch

A perfect example of these styles in action are evident in my own relationship, as we have conflicting styles.  I crave verbal praise and physical touch.  I take meaning out of her saying she loves me or is proud of me, paired with a simple shoulder touch.  Don't get me wrong, I love it if she cooks dinner or buys me a watch (hint, hint), but I view these as commonplace and somewhat impersonal.    

She on the other hand prescribes to my Father's old adage, "actions speak louder than words."  Quality time and acts of service are the things that say "I Love you" more than the words "I Love you."  Now, I'm not going to lie, I couldn't understand this for the life of me for quite a while, until one day I was vacuuming when she got home from work.  The intensity of the love in her eyes was so noticeable that you would have thought I was proposing at that moment.  That's when things really sank in, that if I want to show her how much she means to me, words are nice, but the house better be clean and dinner made first.

The impact this understanding has had can't be overlooked.  We understand each other better and communicate more effectively.

There are tons of online quizzes to figure out your relationship style.  This can help you understand a friend, a family member, or your significant other.  If you take the time to do this, I promise you won't be disappointed.