You would have thought that my wife's giant belly would make me realize how real things are getting. Apparently not so. Putting together a crib was the kick to the chest that made me realize just what was happening to us. That's when I felt it all...
Pressure.
There are few things in life that force introspection in a man like the impending arrival of one's offspring. Suddenly you'll find yourself reflecting on your childhood, your parents, your family values, on the values you share with your partner. Am I mature enough to be a role model? They're so impressionable. How do I catapult this person from mediocrity to greatness? I had such a great start to life. Will siblings find friendship or rivalry? Friendship, I pray.
Joy.
A complete stranger once told me that there is nothing in life that adds the kind of depth that a child does. They create a kind of love that you never knew existed. I see that in my sister-in-law and niece. They allow you to see things in a joyful, pure way, if you let them pull you into their world. The wonder and elation of even the simplest of things is so infectious. Grass can apparently be funny, as can dog kisses. You can laugh at them, but better yet, laugh with them, for life can be extraordinary in the most ordinary of situations.
Fear.
Things are also scary. The internet gives greater access to information than we've ever enjoyed, and it's terrifying. Pregnancy can seem so fragile at times, but we forget that humans have been doing this for thousands of years in much more precarious positions than middle class America with great health insurance.
The scariest of all seems to be the inevitability of time and the forfeiture of narcissistic concerns. Soon this child will be asking for the keys to the car. I'll hand them over will full, terrifying knowledge of 17 year old behavior. Will I have the ability to let go and allow him/her to grow, live their life, and learn lessons exactly as I did? The hard way. Suddenly my greatest worry in life is walking out the door.
Love.
Through all of this, I think of what my wife has endured and will go through in child birth. How she'll depend on me in pain, fear, and self doubt, while completing an athletic event longer and harder than anything I've done. Suddenly I don't feel like the strong one in the relationship. For the first time, I see the power behind the title "Mom." This brings about a deep respect that I'm not sure I can find the words for, other than "I Love you."
So many feelings... all from building a crib.
